


Exo Reality TV - Sahara

by unopenedgrapejuice



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, M/M, Reality TV, Survival
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-29 20:01:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14480133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unopenedgrapejuice/pseuds/unopenedgrapejuice
Summary: ‘Welcome to . . . the Sahara! Home of the Saharan Silver Ant, Sand Viper, Deathstalker Scorpion - and nine regular dudes?’





	1. Chapter 1

**Episode 1**  
**introductions**

‘Welcome to . . . the Sahara! Home of the Saharan Silver Ant, Sand Viper, Deathstalker Scorpion - _and nine regular dudes?’_  
_*camera zooms around desert to see red, barren landscape*_  
‘Nine normal strangers - but can they work together to survive two weeks in their harsh environment?’

_Let’s meet the cast!_

_*Cameraman focuses on man with a can of pringles in front of sand dunes*_  
Cameraman: Can you tell me about yourself?  
Xiumin: I’m Xiumin. I don’t really know how I got here in the first place. _*puts on sunglasses and fans self*_  
Cameraman: Can you tell me a little bit of how you’re feeling at the moment?  
Xiumin: Eh, well _*notices something behind the cameraman*_ CHEN GET AWAY FROM MY STASH _*runs out of frame* *sounds of crunching and screaming*_  
Cameramen: _*look at each other in confusion*_ Cut? Cut?

 

_*Frames focus in on tall man with big grin*_  
Chanyeol: Hi! I’m Chanyeol, I’m 25, and I like to cook outdoors.  
Cameraman: And how do you feel now that you know that you have to spend two weeks in the Sahara with eight strangers?  
Chanyeol: Well I wanted to make a good first impression so I made burgers for everyone, including the staff! _*pulls coat open to reveal rack of steaming meat*_  
Cameraman: I’m vegan.

 

_*Camera zooms on geared man squatted around a kindle of sticks*_  
Cameraman: Hey Kai can you tell us about yourself right now?  
Kai: _*deadpans at camera and holds up a lighter*_ I’m Kai and I like to hunt. I usually call myself the Knife Master.  
Cameraman: O-okay-  
Kai: These losers don’t know what they’re doing right now. The first step in surviving in a foreign area is to build a fire. I’m not sure the others are prepared to drink their own urine because I’ve been preparing for this challenge for a month. _*attempts to light fire but sticks blow away*_  
Cameraman: So, uh I see that you mainly talk to the other cast member, Kyungsoo -  
Kai: _*glares up from lighter*_ He’s the only one I trust out here . . . _*stares at lighter and brings it closer to face*_

 

_*Man with dimples appears*_  
Cameraman: Hi Yixing! How are you feeling?  
Yixing: Pretty great, man, thanks for asking! I brought a scorpion for you! It stung me on the wrist but here - _*scorpion appears in hand*_  
Cameraman: YIXING PUT IT DOWN NOW  
Yixing: _*passes out*_  
Cameraman: MEDIC

 

Cameraman: so our next contestant is Chen! _*Chen sorting through things on the sand*_ How you doing, buddy?  
Chen: _*pulls up a bucket hat and Cheetos*_ hehehe  
Sehun: _*Sehun stands up from foldable chair*_ chEN YOU THIEF GIVE THEM BACK-  
Chen: _*grabs items and flees*_ _*sounds of pursuit and screams*_  
Cameraman: Cut!

 

Cameraman: contestant #6 is Sehun. Hi Se-  
Sehun: _*applies sunscreen to nose*_ I’m just lettin’ y’all know, that motherfucker Chen over there is a thief. A goddamn thief I tell ya. _*camera zooms in to where Chen is snatching something out of Kai’s bag*_  
Sehun: _*stares into camera*_ Fuckin told you so.

 

Cameraman: Suho! Can you tell me about yourself?  
Suho: _*pulls out books from backpack*_ Did you know that you’re supposed to pee in a ring around your shelter to protect yourself from predators? I read it here. _*points to page*_ I was in boy scouts for 11 years, you know. My motto is ‘always be prepared.’ I brought extra oranges and crackers for everyone here. Would you like one?  
Cameraman: I’m good thanks. Cut.

 

_*Man rolls out yoga mat*_  
Cameraman: Baekhyun! Just in time! Do you have a moment-  
Baekhyun: Can you just hold on a second there, bro. I need time to connect with the spirits of the desert right now. You know, to focus my energy for the two weeks ahead. I can hear them calling my name.  _*tree pose*_  
Cameraman: why did I choose this jo-

 

Cameraman: Kyungsoo please tell us about yourself.  
Kyungsoo: The winds of the desert howl my name, the sun beats at my back and feet. The sand tells me all y'all are idiots.  
Cameraman: Fair enough. _*turns to staff*_ THAT’S A WRAP!

 

**_Next time on_**  
Exo Reality TV - Sahara

Kai: I killed this for you. _*drops dead rabbit at Kyungsoo’s feet*_ I hope you like it.  
Kyungsoo: . . . _*coughs*_

 

_*Two men sitting under umbrella*_  
Sehun: And I was just like, Why didn’t you tell me we were going to the pharmacy? She could have told me beforehand like-  
Xiumin: Ugh totally _*notices camera and stands up*_ You guys can’t like, _be here_ -  
Sehun: Oh my god! Get away before I shove my hotdogs up your- _*screen goes black*_

 

_*Chanyeol and Baekhyun laughing together*_  
Baekhyun: I didn’t know you cooked _*touches Chanyeol’s chest*_  
Chanyeol: Oh yeah Baek, all day, all night-  
Chen: AH MAH GOD GET A ROOM YOU TWO

 

Suho: _*rapid breathing and fanning self*_ My blood sugar is, is dipping, and my breathing is just crazy right now, I’m just, not quite sure I can go on the remaining days out here-  
Cameraman: we’ve been here five hours.


	2. episode 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im back bitches

**_Episode 2_ **

**Day 1**

 

_‘Now that we’ve met the cast, let's get into how they will survive two weeks in the Sahara.’_

 

_With the limited food and water they brought themselves, they must find food, water, and shelter from their resources around them. This is not only a test of survival, but also the compatibility levels within the group. The production team will be shooting, but they have been told not to interact with the cast at any moment. A medic will stand by for emergencies._

 

9:00 AM

 

_*Camera shows shots of the nine males together*_

Xiumin: _*eating pringles*_ I think I’m starting to break a sweat, guys.

Chanyeol: does anyone want some of my meat? Wait that doesn’t sound right.

Xiumin: hey Sehun do you have those Cheetos

Sehun: _*passed out on sand*_

Xiumin: Chen has them doesn’t he that little bas-

_*Eight men look to Chen who is rummaging through Yixing’s bag*_

Xiumin: EVERYONE HIDE YER BAGS

 

9:04 AM

 

Suho: okay we need a game plan. I call meeting!

Kai: _*stares into camera threateningly*_

Chanyeol: I have to pee

Baekhyun: _*meditative sitting pose*_ we don’t need a plan. We only need the desert.

Suho: _*looks at cameramen*_ why is he here-

 

11:48 AM

 

_‘After about about 4 hours, no progress has been made’_

Kyungsoo: we only have food and water for about two more days, so I suggest we make camp here and hunt and stuff for the remaining

Kai: _*slowly moves closer to Kyungsoo*_ I agree

Sehun: did anyone bring tents or any kind of shelter?

Yixing: I brought my plushie-

Sehun: did I ask

 

12:53 PM

 

_‘The group decides to put up the lone tent that sits under the shadow of a dune’_

Suho: _*puts hand on forehead and pants*_ wow I didn’t know putting up one tent would be so much work

Chanyeol: actually didn’t you just stand around while I put them up

Suho: _*fans self*_ my blood sugar is, is dipping, and my breathing is just _crazy right now_ , I’m just not quite sure I can go the remaining days out here-

Cameraman: we’ve been out here five hours

 

5:25 PM

 

_‘Once they have shelter, the nine relax under the Saharan sun’_

_*camera focuses on two men sitting underneath umbrella*_

Sehun: and I was just like, why didn’t you tell me we were going to the pharmacy? She could have told me beforehand like-

Xiumin: ugh totally _*notices camera and aggressively stands up*_ you guys can’t like, _be here_

Sehun: oh my god! Get away before I shove my hotdogs up your- _*screen goes black*_

 

6:51 PM

 

_‘Soon they realize the tent is only big enough for three people’_

Kyungsoo: the tent is only big enough for three people

Sehun: I’m staying in the tent

Yixing: I want to, too

Chanyeol: _*jumps around on one leg*_ I have to pee again

Sehun: hUN

 

11:32 PM

 

_‘During the night, contestant Baekhyun is too excited to sleep, so he annoys all of his fellow cast’_

_*Baekhyun points to stars in sky*_

Baekhyun: look! I remember my yoga teacher telling me that that one is Ursa Major, I think. Oh and that one’s Orion. Wait no that’s Andromeda or-

Chanyeol: wow

Chen: yeah dude _*points to cluster of stars*_ that one is called Shut the Fu-

  
**_stay tuned for the next episode!!!_ **   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yey another awful chapter! writing this took me 30 minutes so yeah im updating kinda fast watever  
> i hope you enjoyed this trash episode<333

**Author's Note:**

> this is a result of night boredom and watching Naked and Afraid  
> hope you enjoyed this or at least thought it mildly funny? i know its absoulte trash eh  
> should make an episode two or nah


End file.
